How To Stop Fighting For Your Problems
Ready to stop fighting for your problems?
Imagine: going through life with a whole lot less problems! Does that sound too good to be true? Well we might not be able to take all the problems in the world away but this post should shed some light on how many of our problems are created by us!
We’re stubborn little creatures. And most of us have avidly argued for things we don’t even wish were true!
Your problems only become your own when you decide on them.
Here’s an example:
You get into a little fit with your partner. They forgot to take the garbage out (even though you clearly ASKED them this morning). You come home from work and see the garbage and IMMEDIATELY you start spinning into negativity.
They don’t care if I have to do it!
They must not love me!
Then the partner comes home. And the argument begins. Of course, the partner claims innocence: “I got a phone call as I was leaving the house this morning!”
But the argument continues. Maybe there are tears or even the silent treatment, before the apologies are accepted and everyone makes up.
This scenario happens a LOT.
But it didn’t have to happen!
If you look at the situation, the argument started long before the partner walked in the door.
Assumptions were made that heightened the reaction long before an explanation could be offered.
After a certain point, there was really no way the partner could have walked home and not become a target.
And what happens when you become a target? You get defensive of course!
However, the main problem here is that one person is simply jumping to conclusions.
They began to make the garbage mean SO MUCH MORE about the relationship than was actually necessary.
They began an argument over something they didn’t even want to be true.
If you’ve experienced this, then you know what it’s like! When you’re in the thick of the situation, it seems like there’s no other option.
You have to get upset. After all, you’ve been wronged and you must tell the other person what went wrong and how they should have avoided it.
But…what if you just let your partner be right?
What if you accepted the explanation at face value?
What if you didn’t let the forgotten garbage become a problem in your mind in the first place?
The forgotten garbage by itself doesn’t actually mean anything!
You’re projecting meaning onto it–and you’re choosing to project a problem.
There was never actually a problem–until you created one.
This example is a good way to illustrate how a neutral event took on greater meaning than was necessary.
It moved from a simple mistake into a massive relationship problem.
And it makes the point: how much time and energy we waste fighting to make a point about something we even don’t want to be true!
How To Stop Fighting For Your Problems
How To Stop Fighting For Your Problems Step #1:
Reframe
Before you go into reaction mode and start arguing for anything, it’s important to stop and ask yourself: do I actually want this to be true?
If the answer is no, then it’s time to stop throwing your energy behind the argument. You’ll create a problem just by committing to this reality!
Remember that you’re a Conscious Creator! This ride called life is entirely your creation!
So if you don’t like what’s happening, it’s simply time to shift your perspective.
There’s always another explanation or viewpoint. And there’s always another BETTER reality you can create!
The more upset you get, the more energy you’re summoning the situation–and the further down the energy spiral you go.
You get to decide on what you want to be true–and once you figure that out, your brain can get to work looking for the evidence that supports your viewpoint.
How To Stop Fighting For Your Problems Step #2:
Look For Irrational Reactions
As logical and smart as we are, we all fall prey to illogical thought patterns from time to time.
In that case, you must examine which thoughts have brought you to where you are now.
There are some very common “thought traps” that we all fall into now and again! Here are ten common ones:
Common Thought Traps
| Things aren’t always right or wrong! | Calling yourself names: “I feel like a loser” | |
| Ignoring any evidence that doesn’t match your negative viewpoint | Making things way more or less important than they should be | |
| Thinking you know why something happened | Feeling angry because things “should” have been different | |
| Saying “This always happens to me!” | Name calling (to yourself or others) | |
| Being blind to anything that refutes your negative viewpoint | Either self-blame or blaming others |
Remember that you are always in charge of your own energy! If you’ve gone into reaction mode, it’s simply time to identify where things have gone off track so you can start choosing thoughts that feel good.
How To Stop Fighting For Your Problems Step #3:
Get Off The Pendulum
Relationships are like pendulums! There’s a give and take with this energy that becomes much bigger than the two people themselves.
When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, your pendulum has a whole lot of energy all its own. That means it might only take the smallest of disagreements to turn into a huge hairy fight.
Stop The Struggle
The only way to get away from the power struggle of a pendulum is to get off it. And the only way to do that is to change your emotional state and your reaction. It’s time to shift your energy! Take the focus off of proving your point and put your focus elsewhere.
In relationships, these tugs of war seldom turn out in any real winners. Many of us spend a lot of time trying to be right at the expense of the relationship. In the words of Esther Perel, ask yourself: “Would you rather be right or would you rather be wise?”
Many arguments are un-winnable. But our need to be “right” can push our relationship past it’s limits. Remember the real objective of any argument is always to be happy, not to “win”.
How To Stop Fighting For Your Problems Step #4:
Compare
I don’t usually ask you to compare yourself to anyone–for good reason. However, if all else fails comparing your problems to someone else’s can be just the ticket to get unstuck.
Yes, you have problems. But so does everyone else.
Ask yourself:
If you had to trade your problems for someone else’s, who’s would you take?
Most of would really not want to trade with anyone! Turns out, we’d rather have our own problems than almost anyone else’s.
If that’s not a perspective shift, then I don’t know what is!
Only you decide on what’s a problem and what isn’t! Many of us create excess drama and invent problems where there need not be any. But why spend your precious energy pushing for something that you don’t want?
Despite what it might feel like, you’re far from powerless in the situation! You get to decide on which battles are worth your time–and when you can slow down and really think about it, you’ll realize just how few of them there actually are.
I hope this post inspires you to examine the arguments that come up in your life! Sometimes we all just need the reminder that we’re actually the ones in control.
Thank you so much for reading and please let me know how it works out for you!
PS Looking for more? You might also want to check out this post about how to finally feel good or this one about what to do if you don’t know what to manifest.
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