The Aligned Life

Jenn Stevens | Spiritual Life + Business Coach

How To Deal With Toxic People

by: Jenn

“You’re so toxic!”

We can all think of some examples: Your overbearing mom. A frenemy. Maybe even your boss or boyfriend or husband.

Maybe they nag. Or call you names. Or they lie, manipulate or are disrespectful.

Not everyone in this world is going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated!

But how are you supposed to deal with these situations in an empowered way?

Newsflash: there’s no such thing as a toxic person!

Think about it: no one is truly so terrible that they’re literally going to poison you.

But while toxic people don’t exist, toxic interactions do!

Relationships are about the interaction of two people. Which means many times both people are bringing something into the toxic interaction.

Sometimes other people bring out the worst in us! Sometimes the misunderstandings simply pile up on top of each other and sometimes we just haven’t made our own boundaries clear.

But no matter where the problem lies, your energy is precious! And it can be affected by the people around you! (We’re all energetic sponges after all.)

But living in fear of toxic people is not the answer!

Again, since this is a relationship problem you have the power to change things. You’re always in control of your own actions!

So there’s no need to give your power away to these so-called toxic people.

But just in case you need a little extra help managing the situation, this guide should help you deal with any toxic relationships in your life:


How To Deal With Toxic People


How To Deal With Toxic People Tip #1:

Remember Your Power

No one can make you feel something without your permission. So if someone has gotten under your skin, it’s only because you’ve allowed them to. The gatekeeper of your mind and emotions is you. No one is so powerful that you have to live in fear of how they’re going to make you feel! There’s always a way to reframe the situation to give you your power back and make you feel better.


How To Deal With Toxic People Tip #2:

Look For The Lesson

The people we meet are some of our greatest teachers. They’re often a mirror for the things that bother us most about us. They’re also some of our greatest catalysts for change! So look at this “toxic relationship” as a chance for you to learn about yourself, your boundaries and preferences.

Being triggered by someone might be about that person. But most often it’s really about us! How else could one comment or situation make you feel bad about yourself? What story are you telling to make yourself feel that way?

No one is perfect and we will always have work to do on ourselves! And a large part of that our self-work will be triggered by our encounters with other people. So don’t be too quick to write someone off as toxic! That’s just a good way to bury your head in the sand and never truly examine your own issues.


How To Deal With Toxic People Tip #3:

Examine Your Beliefs

Part of the problem might be that you’re already giving your power away to the toxic person!If you believe that someone keeps coming into your life and preventing you from doing the things you really want to do, then guess what? They will! But it’s NOT about the magical power of that toxic person. It’s about YOUR BELIEF about what that person is doing to your life.

Repeat after me: NO ONE has control over your life except you. You can deal with toxic people and still maintain control of your life–and your own vibration! So get curious about what you’re making this toxic interaction mean. If needlessly you’re blowing it out of proportion, it’s time to come on back to the real world and to step back into your true power.


How To Deal With Toxic People Tip #4:

Don’t Take It Personally

Much of human behavior is just repeating patterns. We put on a mask. We get up in the morning and play the same character that we’ve always played. And so does everyone else! But every once in a while the character that someone else is playing isn’t so nice.

We all have bad moods, bad days and sometimes even psychiatric episodes that result in poor behavior on occasion. But for others, that poor behavior is just the way they are!

A genuinely mean person is going to be mean to everyone–just like a mean dog! Your interactions might be toxic but this experience doesn’t actually mean anything about you. It’s 100% them. And even though it sucks when someone is needlessly mean to you, you also need to realize that this would be happening to anyone in your position! It’s not your fault and you couldn’t have prevented it. So don’t take it personally and just move on.


How To Deal With Toxic People Tip #5:

You Can’t Control Anyone

It’s crucial to know that dealing with a toxic person is never about changing the other person. You cannot make anyone behave the way you want them to! The only thing you can ever do is maintain control over your own thoughts, emotions, and behavior.

Many times when people complain about toxic people what they really want to happen is the other person to say “Holy shit! I can’t believe the way I’ve made you feel. I’m so sorry.” And then to start acting differently.

Unfortunately most of the time, that’s just a nice fantasy! You can ask for the apology. You can ask someone to not cross your boundaries again. You make it clear exactly how you want to be treated. But you can’t actually make them do it! It would be nice if everyone said and did only things we approved of. But sometimes you just have to accept what’s happened and move on.


How To Deal With Toxic People Tip #6:

Stop The Dance

Most toxic interactions are based on the actions of two people. The “toxic person” is trying to force you to play a certain part in their play. So what happens if you stop playing the game?

For example, narcissists are adept at getting you to react to them! These people feed off of attention and drama. So when you refuse to give them the energy they crave, they’ll eventually learn to go get their “fix” elsewhere.

This can happen in regular relationships too! I know one particular Debbie Downer type, who always forces me into the part of The Cheerleader. No matter what’s happening in their life, there is simply no way for me to help them or cheer them up. No matter how often I say “Hey it’s not so bad!” or “Have you thought about doing X?” they refuse to budge from their misery.

So now instead of playing the The Cheerleader part, I just sort of nod and agree. It takes all the drama of the “argument” away and the conversation naturally moves on to something else. As it turns out, without the fuel, there is no fire.


How To Deal With Toxic People Tip #7:

Limit Your Interactions

This is the LAST and final step of the journey! But if all else fails, then yes, it might be time to limit your interactions with a toxic person in your life.

If someone continues to insult you, laugh at your dreams, talk behind your back or violate your boundaries, then yes it’s time to limit your interactions–or maybe even cut them out entirely.

If it’s the boyfriend who keeps cheating on you, it’s time to dump him. If it’s the friend who demands your support but doesn’t offer you any, it’s time to spend your time with other people. If it’s your mother who just loves to criticize, it’s time to limit your phone calls to once a month (or year!). You get to decide the rules in your life and if you’re being picked on or taken advantage of, you always have the right to walk away from the situation–no matter who the toxic person might be.

If you know deep down in your heart that this is necessary, then I implore you to actually go through with it. Don’t just continue to complain. Don’t think “But what will I do without X in my life?” Don’t delude yourself that this behavioral pattern will change without any action on your part. It won’t.

If a situation is continually hurting you, then it’s time to protect you. You are always your own best advocate and it’s time to grow a spine and actually put your own best interests first.




A Note About Namecalling

Pleeeeease note that nowhere in this post do I condone yelling “You’re so toxic!” and leaving the room, Real Housewives-style. Let’s face it: calling someone toxic to their face is just a New Age-y way of calling someone an asshole (while feeling very self-congratulatory about it)! But honestly, it feels pretty icky to call someone names, even if we use a word like toxic instead of the old expected insults. Calling someone names doesn’t bring anything useful to the situation and will actually just make everything worse. So don’t be tempted to go there!



Toxic situations are just a fact of life! So don’t think you’re doing something wrong when you encounter one. Just remember that you’re always in control your own reactions and you’ll be able to work through them in a positive and empowered way.

I hope this post helps you navigate the oh-so-tricky world of interpersonal relationships! It’s never as black and white as the words “toxic person” would have you believe. But if you move through your life with control and faith in yourself, you’ll find that you’ll have fewer and fewer of these interactions over time. ????

Good luck & have a wonderful week!



PS Looking for more? You might also want to check out this post about how to liberate your desire or this one about how to get out of your own way.



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How To Deal With Toxic People

How To Deal With Toxic People

The Truth About Negative Feelings

by: Jenn

Throughout this blog, I focus a lot on creating happiness: on choosing what feels good and transmuting what doesn’t.

And still I firmly believe that we have the power to shape our reality through what we choose to focus on.

But we’re all still human. No matter how much we focus on thinking positive, life isn’t perfect and neither are we. Sometimes we’re going to experience “bad” or “negative” feelings too.

The New Thought community has done us a huge disservice by implying that you can somehow prevent that from happening! It’s also misleading to think that you’ve done something wrong and attracted those feelings to you.

Negative or bad feelings simply are what Abraham Hicks calls “contrast”. I prefer this term instead of coloring everything as either “good” or “bad”. There are simply feelings that feel good and feelings that don’t. But having feelings that don’t feel good doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong or that you’re going down the wrong path.

Those “negative” feelings have a very simple message for you: whatever’s happening right now is not okay for you.

Look at it this way: everything exists on a continuum, which means there’s always an opposite. Light and dark, hot and cold, black and white.

Happiness can only exist when there’s an opposite state. Unchanging eternal happiness becomes meaningless without something to compare it to!

The universe is in a constant state of expansion. That’s also our natural state. We’re here to grow and learn and expand our consciousness over our lifetime.

Stagnation is actually unnatural. If you’re not growing and changing in your life, something has actually gone wrong.

And one of the realities of growth is facing uncomfortable or unhappy feelings from time to time.

You cannot manifest or positive-think your way out of that!


Those “negative” feelings are the foil for the happiness. Because if you were happy 24/7 you’d lose perspective and become unsatisfied.

All of our feelings are here to show us something.

We look at our good happy feelings and think “Cool! I want more of that!”

We look at our unhappy feelings and think “Hmmm. That wasn’t so fun. What can I do to prevent that from happening?”

One of the core beliefs of Buddhism is that life is suffering. Not to knock Buddhism in its entirety (!!) but instead of suffering, I prefer the term discomfort.

Growth doesn’t always feel good. It pushes us out of our comfy zone. It makes us do scary new things. It changes the way the people in our life relate to us.

All of those things can feel pretty icky at times, even though that discomfort usually gives way to feeling satisfied or happy.

Accomplishing goals feels good. Getting what we want in life feels freakin’ fantastic! It’s just those first awkward steps forward that are tricky to deal with.

But any discomfort we experience is always temporary, as is everything else in life.

You can train yourself to focus on the happier things in life. You can control your outlook on the world to a large extent.

But the truth is you cannot save yourself from feeling those dark feelings once in a while.

Besides the inevitability of “negative feelings”, there are four more truths I want to share with you today:


The Truth About Negative Feelings


Negative Feeling Truth #1:

One Negative Thought Won’t Ruin Everything

Your overall energy is the key to the manifesting game. That’s why one negative thought cannot hurt you. Heck, even one negative week doesn’t have to hurt you!

Your long-term energy pattern and mindset is the true mechanism at work. Negative thoughts aren’t what’s holding you back from manifesting a better life. Your deep-seated fears and limiting beliefs are!

You might stumble. You might fall. You might forget to believe for a while. But as long as you keep moving forward, so will your overall energy.

The more we practice taking control of our thought patterns the less likely we’ll be to fall into long-term negative spirals and the faster we’ll be able to work through our old patterns.

Practicing self-work and positive thinking creates resiliency. And the more you practice, the faster you’ll be able to move past those “bad feelings” and into somewhere that feels good.


Negative Feeling Truth #2:

Don’t Run Away From Them

Feelings are here to be felt. Ignoring them or pretending that you just don’t have them never works. In fact, the more we run away from our fears, the bigger and scarier those fears become. We give them extra power when we try to hide away from them!

So don’t shy away from really feeling sad or angry or confused. You are 100% allowed to feel all of those things.

No matter what feeling you’re up against, always understand that it’s temporary. Numbing ourselves puts us out of touch with ourselves and causes more confusion down the road. And besides, those negative feelings haven’t really gone anywhere. They’ll stay hidden until one day they come jumping out of you, usually at some highly inconvenient time!

Actually feeling your feelings is the only way to release them and move on. And ignoring them for long periods of time has long-term ramifications. Repressed feelings ultimately result in numbness, depression or anxiety.

Here’s where journalling can be of incredible use. Express your feelings by writing them. Try flipping them into third-person to give yourself a little perspective.

Get curious with yourself. Stop justifying your feelings or working towards a need to be right. Go deeper and try to see things from a new perspective.


Negative Feeling Truth #3:

Negative Feelings Are An Opportunity

No one wants to feel shitty! But even the ugliest darkest of feelings create an opportunity for expansion.

It’s easy to sit around wishing that we felt better or that life was different and not putting in the work. Your negative feelings are simply giving you a chance to face what’s bothering you head on.

If you really want to change your life, you need a paradigm shift. And one of the quickest ways that can happen is by discovering your negative feelings and figuring out how to transmute them.

Look at it this way: the life you really want to live is only a few mental blocks away. So get excited and jump into the work in front of you!

It’s very difficult for most of us to put ourselves in an uncomfortable situation. Our brain’s primary job is to keep us safe, which means it spends a lot of time figuring out how it can avoid new situations or feelings.

Negative situations are often the result of swimming into uncharted territory. And while they might never become something you’re truly pumped about, this is where you can really put the pedal to the metal.

Focus on what your feelings are actually trying to tell you. (Big hint: Most of the negative feelings we experience are a result of fear or feeling unworthy.)

Jealousy can shed light on something that’s missing from our life. Hateful feelings can also stem from jealousy. Anger tells us something is being blocked. Fear shows us that we’re being threatened. Confusion shows that we need to figure something out.

Bottom line: it’s never about the surface issue! There’s always something else going on that you need to deal with.


Negative Feeling Truth #4:

Your Feelings Are Your Responsibility

Yup, it’s still true! All those bad feelings are still created by you.

You might think that if you were in control you wouldn’t have to feel bad ever. (I mean, who wants that?) But you are in control….and you will still feel bad from time to time.

Again, that’s because we’re all constantly growing and learning and living in an imperfect world. You can’t tell in advance what your triggers are going to be. You can’t grow in advance and avoid the whole thing! That’s what the “negative feelings” are here to help you do.

As always, you choose what you allow to affect you. Other people, random events and life circumstances cannot be blamed for your feelings. You created the feelings because of a story you’re telling yourself.

Your circumstances have merely triggered something inside you.

Your negative feelings can always be transmuted and turned into useful lessons. When we surrender our need to be right and can manage to see the world in another way, everything shifts.

We believe in stories that don’t serve us. But instead of rallying against the feeling, feel it. Get curious. Listen to yourself. And then change the story!



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I hope this post transforms the way you look at negative feelings! They can’t ever be avoided entirely but shifting your mindset about them can bring you so much peace.

Thank you so much for reading!



PS Looking for more? You might also want to check out this post about how to make over your money mindset or this one about 3 laws of manifesting.



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The Truth About Negative Feelings

The Truth About Negative Feelings

How To Get Rid Of Negative Thoughts

by: Jenn

Sometimes it seems like the world is wired for negativity. Just turn on the TV! The news doesn’t have time show you all the good things in the world; their ratings are based on making people fearful or worried. And we all tend to remember the negative things that happened to us in extreme detail rather than the hundreds of good things that have also happened.

We don’t live in a perfect world. It’s easy to fall into a negativity rut.

And it’s also pretty easy to let all of that energy become a big part of us.

But chronic negativity is poisonous. And addictive. And those negative thoughts can actually result in crippling anxiety or manifest themselves as actual health issues over time.

So we need to learn how to manage it.


You are responsible for your own energy.



It’s important to manage your negativity no matter who you are (just to minimize stress!) but this is an especially critical step if you’re on a path to manifesting a better life.

Like attracts like, after all!



But since our bodies and minds work together, it’s important to start dealing with the root of the problem: the thoughts and emotions inside us.

Our brains are lazy; they just looooove to keep revisiting the same thoughts over and over again. That’s why stopping a negative thought pattern is so challenging! The more time you’ve already spent in negativity, the harder you’ll have to work to shift things.

Everyone experiences negativity sometimes! That’s why it’s important to recognize it when you encounter it and have a solid plan for dealing with it.

So today I’m offering up ten suggestions the help you manage negativity.


How To Get Rid Of Negative Thoughts


Get Rid Of Negative Thoughts Step #1:

Stop Complaining



Most people treat complaining as a fact of life, not an activity we can opt out of. We live in a complaining culture! (Just hop on social media for some evidence.)

It’s okay to get upset abut things. It’s okay to acknowledge when things don’t go our way. But complaining can easily get out of hand. It can become habitual, especially when we spend our time with other people who love to complain.

That’s why it’s important understand that dwelling on the negativity in life doesn’t actually accomplish anything! Complaining takes a lot of energy away from you, but not towards something positive. In fact, the more you complain, the more your problems can seem to grow.

So when you notice that you’re doing it, it’s time to take a step back and stop. It’s probably going to take some time (or perhaps even a whole new routine!) but minimizing your complaints is well-worth the effort.


Get Rid Of Negative Thoughts Step #2:

Stop Blaming



The blame game is another mental trap that’s all too easy to get sucked into. It’s very easy to place blame for the things in life that we don’t like on external events or people. But when we do that, we fail to take responsibility for the actions and choices that brought us to that situation. Blaming might be tempting because it shifts the responsibility away from us. But it also gives away our power and puts us in helpless little victim mode

Instead of assigning blame, look for the lesson. What could you have done differently to lessen or minimize the situation? Life is often messy and full of bumps. But while owning up to your own behavior, learning from it and moving on is healthy, blaming others will only keep you stuck in a negative space.


Get Rid Of Negative Thoughts Step #3:

Stop Criticizing



Criticism walks hand in hand with judgement and complaining. Verbally criticizing those around you creates unnecessary tension or even conflict. Not to mention, criticism is poison to an intimate relationship. But if you’re a perfectionist by nature, it’s all too easy to become fixated on someone’s supposed flaws.

Not to say that you need to remain mum if something upsetting happens. Setting boundaries is important. If you do have a legitimate complaint about a certain situation, learn speak from your heart instead of leading with absolute statements like “you always…” or “you never”. Critical statements create fear and anger and automatically make people go on the defensive.

Besides, it’s difficult to be critical only of other people. If you’re constantly criticizing how those around you behave, you’re likely to be doing the same to yourself. It’s difficult to go through life constantly judging yourself so harshly! But fixing the pattern will take some work. Go slowly and you’ll eventually learn to replace the criticisms with thoughts that are positive, not aggressive.


Get Rid Of Negative Thoughts Step #4:

Choose A Happier Thought



Even though it doesn’t feel like it, we have always have control over our thought processes. When you notice that you’re falling into what I call the “downward negativity spiral”, it’s time to pull yourself out of it. Pay attention to how your thoughts feel inside you. If they’re causing you pain or discomfort, it’s time to take action.

There’s always a more positive thought you can hold onto instead of a negative one. It’s all a matter of attitude. Even negative external events (like extra traffic or a delayed flight) can be reframed into positive opportunities. Maybe you suddenly have some extra time to call a friend or the opportunity to take a new path to the office. Treat life like an adventure, not a series of hardships.


Get Rid Of Negative Thoughts Step #5:

Adjust Your Body Language



I recently read the amazing book Presence by TED talk star Amy Cuddy. It’s all about how your physical posture actually can actually have an effect on your mental state and emotions (for better or worse).

Learning to have better posture is an ongoing practice but you can start by simply tuning in to where your body is right now. Are you hunched over? Are your arms crossed? These are postures that makes us smaller and that also ultimately makes us less confident in our actions. Try spreading yourself out. Take some deep stretches. Try to occupy your space and your body fully. You can even do the Superman pose! (It’s okay to wait till you’re alone in the bathroom for that one!)

Your body creates a feedback loop with your brain and taking a more confident stance is an easy way to hack yourself to feeling happier.


Get Rid Of Negative Thoughts Step #6:

Notice Negative Thought Patterns



Extreme thoughts are rarely ever true…and rarely make us good! Thoughts like “just my luck”, “this always happens to me” or “that can’t ever be mine” are very black and white.

But life is not so black and white! It’s normal to have both ups and downs in life; focusing only on the negative things tends to make you forget about all the positive exceptions to the rule.

A great place to narrow in on this concept even more is through the work of Byron Katie. Katie created The Work as a mental framework to help manage stressful or difficult times.

It’s a simple four-step process:

Step 1: Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)
Step 2: Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
Step 3: How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
Step 4: Who would you be without the thought?

The Work helps you see the world without the lens of heavy emotion that we needlessly apply. So often we make issues out to mean a whole lot about us, when in reality they typically have very little to actually do with us! So the next time you notice yourself spinning into a negative thought process, try using The Tools to reframe it as something less emotional and more realistic.


Get Rid Of Negative Thoughts Step #7:

Throw Negative Thoughts Away



Sometimes negative thoughts need a little extra kick in the pants before they leave the premises. So let’s get rid of them! If you’re being plagued by one specific negative thought, try writing it down and throwing it away. Or write it down and then burn the paper. (Always over the sink or somewhere else fireproof, obviously!)

If that all seems too extreme, do a visualization. Imagine the thought as a physical thing (like a little black cloud!) and picture it floating far far away from you. The point of this exercise is simply to put some physical distance between yourself from your thought so get creative and figure out a method that works for you.


Get Rid Of Negative Thoughts Step #8:

Stop Worrying



Worry is just a negative meditation. When you worry, you’re actively visualizing the worst possible outcome of a situation. That requires putting real energy into that scenario. (Thoughts are things!)

Of course, being realistic and prepared for real life requires a little thinking about Plan B. But indulging yourself in hours and hours of worrying doesn’t actually do anything about the problem itself. Try to identify actual actionable steps you can take instead of catastrophizing.

Stopping the worry game won’t happen overnight. But the important thing is to simply minimize your worry. Start by giving yourself a deadline: I’ll spend twenty minutes today worrying about X, then I’ll move onto something else. Learning to manage the energy you put into worrying will make you a much happier (and more empowered) person overall.


Get Rid Of Negative Thoughts Step #9:

Practice Self-Care



It’s extra easy to fall into negative patterns when our own energy is low or we haven’t been taking the time to care for ourself. If you’re stressed, exhausted or burnt out, it’s necessary to carve out a little extra time for you. Try booking a massage, taking a Yin yoga class, drawing an Epsom salts bath or just talking a walk in nature. Self-care looks different for everyone but there will always be some care method that can fit into your busy schedule. Make yourself a priority! Your health and mental well-being is well-worth it. And when you own energy is happy and strong it’s a lot more difficult to become dragged down by little bumps in the road.


Get Rid Of Negative Thoughts Step #10:

Don’t Give Them Control



It’s normal to have anxiety or fear, especially about new situations in life. But that doesn’t mean you should avoid new situations or things that make you nervous! You can still perform those new experiences, even when you’re totally freaking out on the inside. (Not to mention most of the time, the world won’t even notice! Trust.)

So don’t let your mental state become a crutch for not living life the way you really want to! Fear is a normal part of life and it doesn’t magically disappear after we’ve hit a few major life goals. It’s something you’ll have to confront again and again over the years so learn to embrace it! While it’s totally okay to be scared, it’s definitely not okay to avoid life because of your fear.



Remember, happiness is all about perspective. We ultimately get to decide how we want to feel, no matter what our current situation might. An example I like use is celebrities. Since we live in such a celebrity-focused culture, I’m sure you can think of at least a handful of famous people that seem deeply unhappy. I don’t want to take pleasure in someone else’s pain but it’s just a good reminder that money and fame do not solve all problems. Happiness is a choice no matter where you are in life and banishing negative thoughts is an important part of that choice.



I hope these lessons help to bring your mind to a healthier and happier place. Please share this article if you found it useful & I’ll see you back here next week!

Jenn Stevens The Aligned Life


PS Looking for more? You might also want to check out this post about 35 quick and easy self care practices or this one about how to get what you really want.



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How To Get Rid Of Negative Thoughts